I am not ready to announce to everyone I have PPD/PPA. I don't care if they know, but I am just not ready to say it out loud. Does that make sense? No, probably not.

I feel like I have to apologize to everyone. Like I should tell them what is going on so they understand why I didn't call them, why I didn't hug them last time I saw them, why I have been distant and not myself. But how do I apologize and let them know that it is not them, it is all me, if I am not willing to "say it out loud"?

I had to cancel my appt. with Ann Dunnewold (psychiatrist specializing in PPD) for today. She is on my out of network approved list, but that has a $500 deductible. I am not willing to cold call these other names my insurance gave me and I am certainly not ready to see a man for this. (Please don't flame me). So I am kind of at a brick wall. I am going to call my MW today and she what they think. I say "they" as there are two of them. Susan is my main MW and Lindsay is her back up. I absolutely love them both.

My husband is starting to understand. He is trying much harder to help. He just doesn't know how to help the mental part of this. He keeps trying to take the girls and get them out of my hair for a break, but when I am having an "episode" he doesn't know what to say or do. But he is trying and that means so much to me.

I hate that I feel like I need to apologize for who I am right now. I don't know who I am in right now, I don't like who I am, but I shouldn't feel like I need to apologize for things.

I am sorry my house is the messiest it has ever been.
I am sorry my girls hair is not perfect today.
I am sorry I didn't call you back.
I am sorry I didn't respond to your e-mail/PM/comment.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.